


In Finding You, I Found Myself

by Caitlincheri28



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Introspection, M/M, Post-War, Queer Harry Potter, Sad Harry Potter, Soul-Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-12
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 23:13:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28035216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caitlincheri28/pseuds/Caitlincheri28
Summary: Harry Potter has always been lost. He has always felt like he's stumbling around in the dark. Will he ever find the light switch?
Relationships: Theodore Nott/Harry Potter
Comments: 39
Kudos: 81
Collections: Judged by the Cover





	In Finding You, I Found Myself

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [ravenslight](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ravenslight/pseuds/ravenslight) in the [judgedbythecover](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/judgedbythecover) collection. 



> **Prompt:**
> 
> In Search of a Soul

Pale moonlight shone through the window, intruding into the darkness of the living room. Its glowing invasion created dancing shadows that broke the stillness brought by night. 

Harry sat on the windowsill, gazing into the vast expanse of the sky. There were no clouds and the dark blue night draped the world like a beautiful worn blanket fraught with holes of starlight. 

It was easy to get lost in the expanse of the darkened atmosphere. The seemingly endless stretch of heavens littered with billions of tiny stars. Did they ever feel lost, too? 

Harry Potter had always been lost. 

Before the day Hagrid burst into that tiny island shack, Harry had been not a step above a servant. He grew up knowing that the only two people in the entire world who ever loved him were dead. He grew up knowing he was unwanted, unloved, and utterly unremarkable. Up until his eleventh birthday, Harry Potter knew he was nothing. He had no plans of greatness, for he was always reminded that he could  _ never be  _ great. The people who were supposed to love him taught him every day that love is conditional. He was a lost and broken child with no idea how to find himself. 

Then, with four simple words and a giant twist of fate, Harry found that he was absolutely wanted, loved, and  _ completely  _ remarkable. The scar on his head became a beacon, and Harry discovered what it meant to be special. 

He stumbled through his first year at Hogwarts, trying to find the light switch. He found Hermione and Ron. He found the world where he belonged. He found bravery living somewhere in a dark corner of his heart. He found smiles and hugs and  _ hope. _ And for a broken boy who spent his childhood in a cupboard, he thought that maybe that was enough. 

It wasn’t enough.

Harry went from being an unremarkable nobody to a remarkable saviour in the blink of an eye. He went from one extreme to another; and the light switch he was stumbling to find fell further and further away. 

But Harry persevered. He lumbered through trolls, three-headed dogs, and wizards with two faces. He discovered and defeated a basilisk. He fell through time and defeated a hoard of dementors. 

And then he found Sirius. And a low glimmer of light flooded his soul.    
  


He found Sirius and he discovered that love wasn’t conditional. He was loved not because he was “remarkable”. He was loved because he was Harry. Sirius loved him before he was “the boy who lived”. Harry had found family. 

Of course, Harry had found family in the Weasleys, too. Who couldn’t feel loved and welcomed in the arms of Molly? Or in the warmth of The Burrow? Yes, Harry had found a family with them, but it just wasn’t the same as Sirius. They were The Weasley’s and Harry would just...never be a Weasley. 

Harry had thought he discovered the person that held his missing puzzle piece. He wouldn’t have to stumble any longer. Even when Harry held the body of Cedric Diggory in his arms and felt the terror of Voldemort’s return wash over him, Harry didn’t stumble. He had that small glimmer of light from Sirius. He wasn’t lost. 

But then his mind wasn’t his own anymore. Suddenly Harry was sharing thoughts, dreams, and visions with evil. Harry couldn’t decipher what emotions belonged to him anymore. He was angry and hurting all the time, and he didn’t know if it was real. And when Sirius fell through the veil, he was well and truly broken again. The low glimmer was blown out by a gust of cruel wind, and Harry was lost once more. 

Harry went from being a nobody to  _ the _ somebody the world depended on. A pawn in this game of light versus dark. He was somebody to everybody, and yet he still didn’t know who he was. 

After Harry defeated Lord Voldemort, things became even darker. 

Now, the “boy who lived” had no purpose. He had lived out his life’s purpose before he had reached adulthood and all that was left was emptiness. His friends were moving on. The world kept moving on. And all Harry could do was watch the pieces of his puzzle as they moved on the board around him.

Everyone had expected him to continue doing great things. And Harry had no idea what he wanted or who he was. The light switch didn’t exist any longer. He would always be living in the dark.

And that’s why Harry Potter spent every night downing drinks at The Leaky. The alcohol filled the void that etched itself across his heart. 

Every night a vaguely familiar man would plop down next to Harry at the bar. They didn’t speak—not at first. They existed like this for months. It became a comforting routine for Harry. This boy—no man—with dark messy hair and green eyes to match his own seemed just as lost as Harry. 

On a chilly September night, something shifted. Maybe it was the decision to drink Firewhiskey instead of his normal beer, but Harry’s Gryffindor bravery came out from hiding to ask this man his name. 

_ “Theodore Nott. And you’re Harry Potter.”  _

From a foggy and distant memory, Harry recalled a quiet and pensive boy in Slytherin robes. They had never uttered a word to one another during their time at Hogwarts, and this strange, silent acquaintance felt like the beginnings of a fresh start. A blank slate on which he could carve something entirely new. 

In the weeks that followed, that strange acquaintance turned into a budding friendship. As each night passed, their conversations began to easily flow, and at the edges of the babbling stream, sprouted the seeds of understanding and friendship. 

Each man felt a profound sense of emptiness and loss. Though their circumstances were entirely different, neither felt as though they had a purpose in the world. They were both lost souls—left behind as the world raced ahead. And even though their stories couldn’t have been more different, Harry found that Theodore Nott was the only person who had ever truly  _ seen  _ him. 

That revelation was the catalyst that shifted their relationship even further. And on a beautiful snowy night in early December, Harry Potter found himself passionately slammed against the cold bricks outside The Leaky. And when Theodore Nott leaned down and finally pressed his lips against Harry’s, his world exploded. 

It was as if the locked and boarded up room that housed his soul had appeared. Suddenly, there were giant chandeliers that shone with dazzling golden hues. Lanterns burst forth the light of a thousand flickering flames. Small faerie lights draped the walls and the lights were so bright and overwhelming that all Harry could do was gasp. 

Harry didn’t just find his missing piece that night, he found the entire puzzle. And as their kisses became more heated and his hands wrapped around Theo’s shoulders to pull him closer, Harry knew he would never have to stumble in the dark again. 

Harry’s soul had been lost and searching his entire life. And it was found by the quiet and pensive boy who wore the green Slytherin robes. And in the same way that Theodore Nott had found Harry Potter, Harry had also found Theo. 

Cutting through the stillness of the night, a sleepy voice muttered “Harry?” 

From the cozy windowsill, Harry glanced over to the beautiful man on the sofa.  _ Their _ sofa. Theo was sprawled out with one long arm slung over his forehead, and one leg draped over the edge. A blanket half covered the slow rise and fall of his chest. Slowly adjusting and lifting himself onto his elbow, Theo whispered, “Are you okay, love?” 

With a final look back to the darkened heavens, Harry knew that he was better than okay. He had found his light in the dark. They both had completed their puzzle. Their souls would never wander without purpose ever again.

With a small smile, he stood and reached out a hand to his sleepy husband, “Come on Theo, let’s go to bed.” 


End file.
